Learning To Hiss: Finding Strength In Boundaries

 

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Dear reader,

    I am compelled to share a story that has resonated deeply within the chambers of my understanding, a narrative that illuminates a profound truth about the delicate balance between kindness and the essential need for self-respect. This insightful parable originates from the timeless wisdom of Ramakrishna. For those interested in delving into the original context, you can refer to it here.

    Within this narrative unfolds the tale of a venomous snake, an inhabitant of a particular neighborhood whose very presence instilled fear in the hearts of all. Its harmful nature preceded it, casting a shadow of apprehension over the community. However, the trajectory of this creature’s existence took an unexpected turn when a compassionate spiritual person encountered it. This enlightened individual initiated the snake with a sacred mantra, a potent invocation urging the reptile to refrain from causing harm to any living being.

  Remarkably, the snake underwent a significant transformation. The venomous nature seemed to recede, replaced by a newfound gentleness. It no longer exhibited any aggression, not even a warning hiss escaped its lips. This apparent harmlessness, however, inadvertently led to a new form of suffering for the creature. The people in the vicinity, witnessing its docile demeanor and recognizing its unwillingness to retaliate, began to bully it. The snake, once feared, now became an easy target for their inconsiderate actions.

    The situation for the transformed snake took a turn for the worse when a group of mischievous children discovered the extent of its passivity – that it would not even produce a defensive hiss. Emboldened by this realization, they subjected the poor creature to cruel treatment, pelting it with stones and manipulating its body as if it were a mere rope, devoid of any capacity for self-defense. Despite the escalating abuse, the snake remained passive, a silent testament to its spiritual initiation. It retreated into hiding, seeking refuge from the relentless torment.

    Some days later, the spiritual person, concerned for the well-being of the creature he had guided, returned to the neighborhood to check on it. He was deeply saddened and shocked by the distressing plight of the once-feared reptile. Observing its injuries and its fearful demeanor, he questioned his earlier guidance. “I asked you not to bite,” he gently reminded the snake, “but did I tell you not to hiss in self-defense?”

    This simple yet profound question struck a chord within me, echoing my own journey of understanding the nuanced relationship between kindness and self-respect. Like the transformed snake, many of us, in our earnest pursuit of kindness and compassion, often fail to establish the necessary boundaries that safeguard our well-being. In my own past, driven by a desire to be benevolent and avoid conflict, I neglected to erect the protective walls of healthy boundaries. Consequently, my kindness was, at times, exploited, leaving me vulnerable and resentful.

    The parable of the snake resonated deeply because it mirrored my own experiences. Raised with the emphasis on gentleness and the avoidance of confrontation, I often found my willingness to accommodate others taken advantage of. Like the snake that had relinquished its natural defense mechanism, I endured mistreatment, mistakenly believing that unwavering kindness was the sole virtue required to navigate the complexities of human interaction. The transformed snake, stripped of its ability to defend itself, became an inevitable target for bullying, a stark illustration of the dangers of unchecked passivity.

   This powerful story illuminated the crucial importance of setting boundaries as an essential complement to kindness. While compassion and empathy are vital aspects of our humanity, they must be balanced with a firm understanding of our own worth and the need to protect our emotional and physical space. However, unlike the snake in the parable, I eventually learned to "hiss." This realization was not about embracing venomous behavior or succumbing to aggression. Instead, it signified the development of the ability to establish healthy boundaries, to assert my needs, and to protect myself from undue harm. It is about standing up for oneself with clarity and conviction while remaining true to one’s core values of kindness and integrity.

    Protecting oneself is not, in any way, synonymous with harshness or selfishness. Asserting boundaries is not an act of aggression but rather an act of self-preservation. Just as the snake needed a warning hiss to deter potential harm, we too sometimes need to assert our boundaries to navigate the world without compromising our inherent kindness or allowing ourselves to be taken advantage of. We can embody both kindness and love while also fiercely protecting ourselves from those who might seek to exploit our good nature.

    Remember this fundamental truth: self-respect is not a betrayal of your inherent kindness but rather a vital means to ensure its continued and healthy expression. When we allow ourselves to be mistreated, we diminish our capacity for genuine kindness towards others. A profound quote from the wise Om Swami encapsulates this beautifully: “Always conduct yourself in a manner that befits you!” This principle underscores the importance of self-awareness and the cultivation of a strong sense of personal value. While embodying this wisdom may be easier said than done, it is certainly achievable through the practice of mindfulness and a conscious effort to understand our own needs and limits.

    We can actively cultivate self-love by being consistently mindful of our own situations and emotional landscapes. Discerning the crucial difference between when to offer gentle understanding and when to assert a firm boundary is a skill honed through experience. This valuable experience can stem from navigating the intricacies of our own lives, observing the interactions and consequences in the lives of others, or even gleaning insights from the narratives shared in books and movies.

    Ultimately, regardless of the source of our learning, it remains our individual choice how we react to the circumstances that unfold around us. By cultivating mindfulness, we enhance our awareness of ourselves – our needs, our limits, and our inherent worth – and, consequently, become more attuned to the dynamics of those around us. It is never too late to embark on the journey of self-love and self-respect. Some of us may have been conditioned to perceive self-care and the setting of boundaries as selfish acts, but this notion is fundamentally flawed. We must prioritize loving and respecting ourselves as the foundational step towards personal growth and becoming better human beings. When we are secure in our self-worth, we naturally extend that love and respect to those around us, fostering an environment of peace and positivity without even conscious intention.

    Therefore, I urge you to remember that whenever you find yourself in the presence of those who seek to bully or demean you, do not hesitate to "hiss" – to assert your boundaries with clarity and firmness. After all, in its truest essence, establishing healthy boundaries is a profound act of self-love, a declaration of your inherent worth and a commitment to protecting the preciousness of your being.

-P.